Si Deus Me Relinquit If God Has Forsaken Me
by IDTARDIS
Summary: Series of drables set after CoE, judge for yourself and let me know what you think. Thanks for taking the time and reading this.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _As always not mine._

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><p><em><strong>Si Deus Me Relinquit<strong>_

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><p>He awoke then, the cold floor on his back, and yet it did not feel that cold in comparison of his body. He stayed there with his eyes closed, listening to the beating of his heart, however only silence came. He felt it on top of him, a warm hand touching his chest, still with his eyes closed; he traced the hand with his own. He knew these hands anywhere, he had caress and kiss those hands so many times. He slowly opened his eyes, and found a smiling face on the other end.<p>

"Hello Jack."

"But…"

"I told you I will be there every time you died… Didn't I?"

Jack nodded, and closed his eyes again. He could feel the warm breath against his face, soft lips brushing against his, moving his face forward, his heart beating with anticipation. He opened his eyes suddenly, afraid.

"It is alright…" –Said Ianto still smiling caressing the shape of his face. –"You are gonna wake up now."

"But I don't want to…" –He said small tears begging to came out, a steady beat reminding him of his present situation.

"Shih…" –Ianto pressed his lips against Jack's in a soft kiss, so unlike them. –"I will be here waiting, until is your time." -Heart beating, again and again.

He woke up, he could hear the others surrounding him, the noise of the music had stop, and the floor was cold and wet with something that smell like beer. He remember then, and put his hand on the chest, he felt the blood sticking on to his fingers, putting a hand on the ground he got up. His eyes blink against the fluorescent light, taking the weapon out of his wound he look at it, it looked weird, dam those new weapons when would humans learn to live in harmony. The wound started to closed and pulling his hand inside the coat he found out he had been robbed, great now he had to found somewhere to sleep without money.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> _Written right after listening to "House Of Dead"_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**_ Not mine… Based on the song Lady Blue of Enrique Bunbury. Set sometime on the future after COE._

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><p><strong>Nothing Left Behind…<strong>

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><p><em><strong>Today I am going to start. Today is the beginning of the end<strong>**…**_

He was resting on bed; the drapes were open, finding himself staring at the space without interest, just to kill time, and most of all to avoid sleeping, which he had prohibited himself to do so long time ago. His sanity was a stake so no sleeping for him. The ship started to struggle and now lights were all over the dark space, asteroids he thought. The crew was now alive, and to his disappointment, there was no more silence, he could hear some of them yelling orders, other trying to calm each other. Just for a second he could have sworn he heard Gwen's voice, but that was impossible. She was probably at home safe with Rhys or holding her baby. He then remember last time he seen her. She begged him not to go, she could not understand, he tried to explain but at the end she still could not get it. There were too many deaths on his list to stay on earth and start again.

_**Everything is meaningless. Nothing is more worrisome. And space is a place so empty without you…**_

When John found out what happened he offered to accompany him. They were both alone now, and at one time, they had been great together. He had refused. He did not wanted any one by his side, but one and that was impossible now. In a spilt of a second he had finally understand the true meaning of the word love, and is not what everybody thinks it is. That day, that moment he had been willing to give up everything, to sacrifice anyone, not to lose him, but life has karma and it collects when you least expect it, when you have less to give. There had been other besides John, others how thought they could save him, others who took pity on him. He did not want their pity or concern he had giving up wanting. It was just a hopeless thing.

_**You would not see again the sad looking kid who would stare at the sky…**_

In one of many of the cases Torchwood had work on, there was one about an organism on the shape of gas, which feed itself on orgasmic climax. At the end of the case the organism had died and he had pronounce the words that were now stomping inside his head like a prophecy, _**"Travel half way across the universe for the greatest sex, and you still end up dying alone." **_He had forgotten them the minute after only to remember them when holding dying Ianto on his arms. Then he noticed how late it was. If he had just… Then he smiled and an escaping tear rolled down his face with him noticing. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda." Those words are meaningless once the action had been perform, Ianto had explained it to him one of those time when he tried to apologize, and the young man was too hurt to forgave him. Ianto, everyday he tried hard to forget him and everyday something happened that would make him remember the young Welshman. The smell of coffee, the pronunciation of a word, the color red, small thing now full of meaning. Ianto was his big reason to avoid sleeping, if he slept, he would dream. If he dreamed, he would dream with Ianto, his smile, his soft hands, his deep blue eyes. And he just wanted to forget and die once for all, so the suffering would stop, so he could be with Ianto.

_**Loneliness is such an empty place without you****…**_

_**Without control, without direction****…**_

_**The light is gone, where am I going****?**_

Now he was just wondering around, without staying in one place too long. In a way, he had become like the Doctor now jumping from one place to another, avoiding earth most of the time. He wanted it to end, he wanted to be able to rest, but he did not know when that would be possible, that made the wait endless. There was a moment of calm outside, only to be follow by more yelling, someone knock at his door saying something about an asteroid rain, evacuation of the ship and that if he wanted to get out alive he had to move now. He did not answer, too tired to plan another great escapade, maybe this time he would get it right and finally die, maybe he was asking for too much. Ianto had told him that in a thousand years Jack would not remember him, Jack had proven it impossible. How could he forget he did not told Ianto, he love him; that the last time they talked they fought; that he had failed to revive him, and that every day he had to suppress the need of taking out his vortex manipulator and go back in time, grab Ianto and keep him forever. He looked at it, now sitting by his side on the bed, he had fixed long ago, and one day when he could not help himself, he had gone back, his last trip to earth.

He stood there in front of Ianto's flat one early morning waiting for him, at the beginning he had just wanted to see him, but the passing time he had begun to consider kidnapping. He saw him get out, and his heart jumped, he could not move, he hesitated and then when courage had finally gathered on his body again, there was an SUV between them. He saw Ianto get in it, smile, and kiss the conductor. Never on his life had he felt so much envy of himself. He had become a green monster of envy towards the Jack of the past who unlike him could have Ianto any time, and did not know how precious their time was. He decided to retire and let life take his course, without Ianto by his side.

_**Since today do not be afraid of nothing, there is no need any more****…**_

_**Everything left with the hurricane****…**_

_**Nothing remains of the turns that time gave us****…**_

Only silence remains again, soft echoes on the distant. He gets up, without taking his eyes of the window, so beautiful outside. They would probably crash in to the next planet or rock. Not really caring anymore, closes the drapes and goes back to bed. A deep breath, eyes closed, finally sleep welcomes him with a smile he so deeply knows by heart, he could see him now waiting for him.

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><p><strong>Notes:<strong> _I lost my heart over this… It's non-beta so please forgive me for the mistakes… Thanks for taking the time and reading this…_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Disclaimer:_ _No, they are not mine, neither is the song._**

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><p><strong><em>The Lover after Me.<em>**

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><p><em><strong>Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today<br>It's been seven months and counting  
>You've moved on<strong>_

Yes, I have seen him, and somebody has said that we have the same blue eyes. Do you think of me when you look in to them, do you ever think of me? His name is Alonso I believe; do you compare him to me? Do you miss me Jack?

_**I still feel exactly the same  
>It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name<br>Like photographs and memories of love  
>Steel and granite reminders<br>The city calls your name and I can't move on  
><strong>_

Here it goes again another weak apology. I have called him Ianto for the fourth time in the night. However, it so difficult every time I look again all I want to see Ianto sitting by my side, smiling at me. What the Doctor was thinking I do not now? Maybe he thought I would find him interesting, maybe he though I needed a replacement.

_**Am I all alone in the universe?  
>There's no love on these streets<br>I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway  
>So this is my new freedom<br>It's funny  
>I don't remember being chained<br>But nothing seems to make sense anymore  
>Without you I'm always twenty minutes late<strong>_

If I only had known that was the last time I was going to holding him, then I would have held him longer. I would have kissed him more deeply, but he is gone now. Months ago, I had so many questions for the Doctor, now I just have one. Why did he send Alonso? What is so special of him? All I want is Ianto, to hold me, to kiss me and make it better. To tell me this is all a bad dream.

_**Ever since you have been gone,  
>the lights go out the same<br>the only difference is  
>you call another name<br>to your love**_

You said I was not going to be a blip in time, whom am I kidding here? You couldn't support a monogamous relation when I was alive, who said you were going to do it when I died? Still hurts though. Does he hold you when you die? I had hoped to see you even if it was just a glimpse every time you die, but it seems it does not work that way. They did not actually explain it properly to me; they just said that to shut me up. I been wandering have you read my diary? How do you feel when you read my feelings for you? Do you want to turn back time? Did you love that much?

_**And time goes by so slowly  
>the nights are cold and lonely<br>I shouldn't be holding on  
>but I'm still holding on for you<strong>_

I am on bed now, with him. Yet, another mistake on my life. Is that how I am supposed to live now counting my mistakes? I wish I could die, just so I can see you again. He asked me why I closed my eyes while I was kissing him, I could not bring myself to tell him the truth; I am pretending he is you. Still does not work, his hands are not yours, he does not smell like you, and his eyes laugh at me saying, "You know I am not Ianto!" "You lost him already!" I get up and go in to the shower hoping that when I come back he is not there anymore.

_**Here I go again  
>I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today<br>But I'm standing at your doorway  
>I'm calling out your name because I can't move on<strong>_

I promise this is the last time. They said is better for both of us if I move on, but I have seen you sitting alone, not really sure if you were crying and I just wanted to go there and hug you and tell you that everything was going to be alright, but I can't. I love you so much and I cannot. That is why I am stopping this; it is not sane for you. It is not fair either. I will wait for you, here. It is not as if I have somewhere else to be. We will be together some day. You just have to wait. Be happy Jack, do it for me.

_**You call another name  
>to your love<br>to your lover now  
>the lover after me<strong>_

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><p><em><strong>Authors Note<strong>__**: **__**Yes, I have heart! And I did cry when I heard the song, if you wondering which song is it has the same title and is from Savage Garden, second Album.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine as always._

**Pairing**:_ First part Jack/Angelo; second part Jack/Ianto_

**Summary:** _I hope you enjoy it._

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><p><em><strong>Lust &amp; Love…<strong>_

**_They both have four letters but only one can break your heart…_**

**_Lives who die for a little compassion, lust is not love and pleasure is not passion…_**

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><p>He felt the other relaxed against his body, he closed his eyes, and pretending to sleep, he could hear the clock ticking away the seconds, the body moved again and softly got of the bed, another sound invaded the room then. Jack kept his eyes closed; he knew that avoiding the situation was better than confronting it, what was the point of confronting it when he would only make the other feel worst. He kept his eyes closed knowing that even if the time was not right maybe love would be enough to make it better. Time after time, the action was repeated, and time after time Jack kept his eyes closed hoping.<p>

Yet time can only delay what is to come, and to Jack's fears, his nightmares became truth, between awaking and deaths. hanging from a post, the remains of his clothes drench with blood, he would always try and look for Angelo's eyes, and while some crying women sees him as a miracle some men saw him as the devil, but Angelo's eyes told him the worst, horror fill his eyes instead of compassion. Horror and a hint of disgust what was what Jack saw every time and it was what really killed him over and over.

Three men stood in front of him, treating him like an object something that can be sold easily, talking about him as if he had not ears or mouth to speak his own. He closed his eyes thinking it was another nightmare, trying hard to believe that Angelo had sold him, praying he would come to his senses and help him out. The lost of blood made him faint and he welcome the darkness as a soft blanket thinking that maybe this time it was for good, that he would stop suffering.

Shaking, he opens his eyes again, afraid of what he would see, the silence welcome him, his body feels sticky, passing a hand trough his face, he stares at it in the darkness afraid that he would see blood between his fingers. After giving a sight, he finally gets up and enters the shower, there much work to be done, and many decisions have to be taken. He climbs his ladder and he's at home, or so you would say, there is a smell of fear and blood, the only sound is the humming of the computers running a scan, even the weevils are too frighten by the past events to even make a noise. None is coming today he gave them the day off, he consider for a moment and by the amount of time the cleaning would take probably they would have the next day free also. He let the office phone ring, and when they did not give up, he had to answer.

"Captain Jack Harkness…"

"Jack, is me just called to see if you were all right." –It was Gwen. –"I thought of checking on Ianto, but I don't have his phone number or address… So…"

"I'll go check on him in a few." –His voice was sterile free of feelings, and for the first time Gwen was afraid of him.

"Jack I don't think neither of you meant what you said last night, he was just afraid of losing her." –She paused and waited for some kind of answer. –"Jack, wouldn't you have done the same?"

"No."

"Jack…"

"He betrayed his team for something that was not even there anymore… He put us all in danger, Gwen."

"But Jack, I am sure he didn't…"

"I have to go Gwen. I am busy."

**…**

He opens the door of the flat with his own key, they are clothes on the sofa, discarded plates on top of the mantel. The Tele is still on, he looks for the remote and turns it off. He walks in to the room to find the other in bed asleep. Approaching the bed, he leans on top of the other.

"Ianto, Ianto wake up."

"What are doing here?" –Ianto made an attempt to get up his eyes still not totally focused. –"What about the meeting?"

"Happy Birthday Ian… You thought I would forget." –Was Jack answer capturing Ianto's sleepy face to post a soft lingering kiss.

"I thought you did not know, I wasn't sure…" –His brain was stop by another kiss.

"I have to go now, go back to sleep, you still have two more hours…Go back to sleep." –Placing a kiss on the other temple, he thanked God the sedative was starting to work. –"Ianto…" –A soft hum was the only answer. –"Thank you."

"Hum, for what?"

"For everything."

Ianto woke refreshed, energized enough to be able to handle whatever Owen decided to throw at him. Even the fact the Gwen was planning a surprised party for him did not seem to bother him that much. He was about to leave his flat when his mobile rang.

"Yes…"

"They say is your birthday."

"Yeah so…"

"Happy birthday."

"Did you arrive already?"

"What do you mean? I am still on the meeting. Is just that General Hatori is being a butt head so I decide to take a bathroom break…" –Ianto was about to get in his car but waited for a proper explanation.

"That is weird I could have swear I saw you."

" Am I listening right, Did Ianto Jones just said he had an erotic dream about me? This is getting interesting. Please continue…" Jack added laughing.

"I did not say it was erotic."

"Ianto lets face every dream on which I present myself is and would be erotic." –He could only laugh at the thought of the face his shy boy was making.

"You are so full of it."

"And yet you can wait for me to come back and give you your present… I'll see you when I come back, maybe we can have dinner."

"That sound good, now please go back to your meeting, the last thing we need is to have UNIT on our backs." –He hung up and got on his car unaware of the man wearing the great coat looking from a far.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

_Confused, I am sorry. Time frame the first part is when he meets Vinny, Maria can explain. The part when he wakes up is right after cyber woman, and the last part in the middle of season two, everyone is alive._

_Questions go ahead and ask._


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